Tag Archives: my life

Random Stuff


I haven’t really been writing that much these days partly because I didn’t have much to say. I feel the fact itself has been stressful for me because I thought I had lost the one thing I truly love- Writing . My journal has been a great savior in such testing times and has saved me from one of the worst writer’s block. Now, I’m no writer but I just wanted to give it a fancy name.

Using the phrase ‘Life has taken a 360 ‘ degree turn ‘ would be a bit much but a lot has changed in the past two to three weeks. Most of it has been in terms of how I view things. Finally I don’t feel guilty about the fact that I wasn’t totally broken about a friendship going sour. Really, I’ve been miserable about the fact that I wasn’t miserable. The realization that college was getting over finally hit me and left me a little depressed. What is more upsetting is that I don’t know where I will be in the next few months. Alongside all this I got the news that my brother is coming back which in a sense covered up for everything else. Except for the fact that I don’t know if I would be in Delhi now.

This is how it all started, but by the end of it I feel better equipped with dealing with the entire leaving college bit (of course I’ll still cry over it a couple of times). In most part, I think this is because I feel everyone is dispensable and replaceable. No matter how close you’re to a particular person once they’re not there you’re just as happy without them. Personally I think as long as everyone else finds friends or are together they wouldn’t even notice my absence. Maybe this is healthy because it helps in adjustment. How is it going to help you if you keep brooding over someone not being there with you? Nonetheless it trivializes relationships. I have mixed feelings about this one. Also, I don’t think I’d rather die than face the impending change anymore. It’s not that I’m more optimistic about my admission prospects. For all you know I’ll have absolutely no place to go to, but I’ll use that time constructively as well. No matter what lies ahead I’ll come around to it, I guess.

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Here Is Why You Wouldn’t Want To Be In My Head


I’ve attempted to approximate what goes on in my head on a regular day so that you clearly understand why you wouldn’t want to be in my place. Here goes:

I can’t believe it’s time to get up already. I can’t get out of the quilt right now. I just can’t. I’ll just get up in five minutes. I mean it’s not like I can’t get ready if I have five minutes less. No, seriously I wouldn’t miss the first class if I had five minutes less, right? Oh! five minutes are already over. Okay fine out we go because I need to take a bath. There are people who don’t take a bath in the morning, disgusting. I’d tolerate that, but what about those who don’t take a bath atleast once everyday? Yuck! I’m okay with criminals, murderers, thieves and junkies, but these people, they don’t deserve to live. Must switch off the reminders. I can’t stand the red light they flash. Why do I put reminders when I always remember stuff and just end up removing the reminder before time? But then putting them ensures that you don’t worry at night about not remembering stuff. Why do I need to drink milk in the morning? Who am I? A growing ten year old?

Now, hopefully I’ll get an auto without bumping into anyone I know. There is nothing that spoils a day like running into people. Oh no there she comes. Looking foolish and pretending not to see her or just greeting her. Decisions decisions. Okay get into the auto and just pretend that I was too preoccupied. This South Ext flyover always has a traffic jam. Like always. Someday I’ll get late because of that. That’s horrible. Imagine the humiliation involved in walking in a class when everyone is already seated and the attendance has been taken. Also, it is irresponsible and disrespectful. There is a pattern here, you know? You let these people in and you’re responsible for promoting a culture of unreliable, lazy and worthless people.

This auto guy would stand next to cars and bikes with weird people, no kidding. Why would they roll their window down all of a sudden? I hope we go before this long red light. We can make it yes, yes.. shucks! I’ll take the money out so that I can just get off instantaneously without the guard telling us not to park the auto infront of the gate. That’s just embarrassing. People turn around and look at you as if you’re making out in public.

Time to sit in the class and pretend to enjoy theater because that’s what this class is like. Why do such people manage to get good jobs? Why do we let substandard education thrive and continue? Man, she could come up with a behaviour modification module aimed at discouraging and demotivating people. “AND NOW YOU GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE, YES YEEEEES…” This woman could intimidate anyone with her OVER-enthusiasm.

Woah! who wears knee length boots here. That doesn’t make sense unless you have to walk on the cobbled roads of London. These people need to clear the way. How am I supposed to buy coffee if they swarm around Nescafe like this? I’ll get late for class, like LATE besides I might have to talk to someone random. I mean what if a friend’s friend hugs me.  Ughhhhhhh over-friendly people are over-friendly. Oh! crap now I’m supposed to stop after every two minutes because these people will meet someone or the other. Why do I make friends with overly social people?  Don’t their jaws ache because of saying hi so many times.

Now you see these teachers in corridors -that’s like a trap. You don’t wish them would mean you lack manners and if you do and they don’t reply you seem dumb. Maybe they do reply and don’t reply in this variable ratio schedule purposely for sadistic pleasure, who knows? Look at how pretty that girl is. Perfect faces appall me. That just sounds like those jealous, weird and paranoid women who feel insecure of any pretty/hot/charming girl. Maybe this does stem out of my insecurities, weird. Gosh! She always seemed like she had issues with her looks. One more time she asks a question I’ll smash her face with a baseball bat and change it for her.

Now here are some people who came for my study. They’d hate me for life for putting them through that. Should I say hi-nah, forget it. If I don’t get an auto in the next two minutes I’ll cross the road. I hate looking lost. I mean what would people waiting on the bus stop think about me. This auto guy has a mustache like a durbaan. He can’t possibly be decent. Good! we’re almost home. All I have to do is get home without bumping into anyone. That icecream stall guy is staring at me trying to create an obligation to buy icecream. Beggars do that to you too. They induce guilt. You pay them it mean you’re encouraging people to not work and if you don’t you’re dead within. I mean, why do people target me like that?

Why does he hang out of his balcony all the time? I hope he just falls. Does he do it on purpose because he knows I hate small talk. Fuck! NO no no…not a dog sitting on the stairs. I HATE animals and I HATE animal lovers. I’m going to complete the six rounds of the evening walk today. People I know are coming. Just smile and pass…just smile and pass. More people I know. If I just turn around and head home no one will notice. What if I’m unable to complete my project and get a zero? Did I put money in my bag? Imagine reaching college without money and having to borrow. Put a reminder for after 25 minutes of my getting up alarm That’s perfect. Must put a reminder to take the laptop. I’ll put in the laptop bag to save time in the morning. Monday and Friday means second class but I should check once more. Who’ll get out of the quilt now? I’ll put a reminder for that. My head hurts by the end of the day without fail. I wonder why…

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Insecurity


I look at my image in the mirror

I compare it with the one I’ve always wanted to be

The confident and sure eyes stare back at me

with contempt for the fear they see in mine.

It stands confident and fearless

waiting impatiently to be real

It blames me for the delay

It tells me that ‘ I have chosen’ to be a failure because :                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

I think I’ll be beaten,

that’s why I am;

I think that I dare not,

that’s why I don’t                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 I think I’ll lose,

that’s why I lose                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       I think I can’t,

that’s why I’m unable.

For out in the world you’ll find

Success begins with your will

You’ve got to be sure of yourself before

It’s all in the state of mind.

Life’s battles don’t always go

To the stronger, prettier or faster one;

But sooner or later, the one who wins

Is the person who thinks s/he can.

(Must say this to myself everyday)


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I miss my brother


I miss you,

I miss how you filled the entire house with your presence

I miss how you’d always dominate

I miss being forced to watch cricket

I miss the warmth of knowing you’re around

I miss the way we fought

I miss being mad at you because I would end up with windblown hair

because you refused to close the car window

I miss being the spoilt kid sister

I miss how you pampered me everytime I was ill

I miss how you’d get irritated everytime I shopped

I miss the sarcasm

I miss how (only) you could make me say sorry first

I miss how you had a solution to every problem

I miss how you pretended to like the same thing as me

ensuring that I get what I want

I miss being (over)protected

I miss my brother

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About me


About me. <————— Click the link and read the short description I’ve written about myself :).

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