We often strive to increase clarity and balance in our lives. Unfortunately, modern life bombards our senses with a continuous barrage of information, sights, sounds and myriad choices. Decluttering our mind is the fastest way to combat the feeling of constant distraction, anger, agitation, forgetfulness and impatience.
This becomes all the more important if you’re upset about multiple things over a period of time. Continuous negative events in our life begin to affect our mental health and interpersonal relationships. At this point it becomes important to let off steam.
As this year comes to an end I have to accept that this has probably been the worst year of my life. This piece of writing is nothing but an attempt to realign thoughts, say whatever I want to in any manner that pleases me and to get things out of my system. I hope this will have some cathartic effect and will help me begin the new year with positivity.
This year began with the demise of one of my relatives. I have to agree that I was not personally close to him but it pained me to see their family. My father had great respect for him as he was quite similar to dadaji. This was followed by the news of bua’s illness. About 15 years back she had lost her husband in a plane crash. At that time her daughter was 10 years old and her son was 8. When we heard about her being unwell we couldn’t believe that life could be so unfair. Her son was barely out of his engineering college and both her children were unmarried. The worry of settling her children left her further depressed. As of now, she’s better but I don’t think she believes in God anymore. I don’t think I do either. My grandparents too have had quite a few health problems this year. Their health has been a constant source of tension. This was further compounded by a problem that seems trivial in comparison. My brother is my biggest support system. He’s the kind of person who fills the entire house with his presence, dominates and makes all the plans. Going out for dinner, outings or celebrating anything without him is both unpalatable and boring. Ever since he has left Delhi for his job no occasion or event seems worthy of celebration. As my graduation comes to an end I’ve realized that I’m utterly confused. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before. I have serious doubts regarding my ability and also my decision (in terms of whether I’m choosing the correct field or not ). In a sum, I have no idea about what I’m going to do. Also, I had a fight with one of my close friends. I don’t think we’ll speak to eachother again. I’m not even sure if it’s a loss. I think the fact that the loss of this friendship has hardly cost me anything makes me feel worse. I can’t explain how. This is all I can bare to write as of now.
All this and much more has left me irritated, frustrated, impatient and always on a short fuse. I’ve begun to dislike the people closest to me- my friends. Recently, it seems that everything about them that I hated has multiplied ten fold. Also, it seems like they’re hell bent on displaying that part of their personality that disgusts, irritates or annoys me. I think it’s just me. Here is what I can think of right now:
* Unpunctuality – No, seriously who the fuck do you think you are? Why the hell am I supposed to wait for you everytime? What makes you think you can inconvenience everyone else? I have more constructive things to do than wait for you. This habit disgusts me so much that it costs me mental peace.
* Over-involvement- I’m not interested in knowing every minute detail of your life. My life is as good as yours (it doesn’t seem so from what I’ve written above but mostly it is) so stop bothering me with the mundane details of your life all the time. This hasn’t benefited any relationship ever.
* Put on cuteness- Being Cute and charming automatically implies that it comes naturally to you. Stop ‘trying’ to be cute it has precisely the opposite effect. I think that character in Jab We Met has played havoc with the concept of cute. She was nothing but obnoxious. Even if you’re a milder version of that you’re not lively, chatty or fun. You’re a crude, crass and loud person who hijacks all programs with their incessant chatting. Blabbering is not cute. Over dependence or acting younger than your age all the time is not cute. Carry a feeder bottle from next time.
*Dishonesty – The mildest versions of it grate on my nerves. For eg, complimenting someone when you think it’s undeserved is a lie. Don’t do that with me EVER. Also going beyond expected social etiquettes with people you claim to dislike is dishonesty. Have you ever thought how disgusting that is? Hypocrisy in the garb of being sweet and mature.
*Excessive display of love – It’s important to be expressive and to communicate your love but there is a limit to everything. Ever heard of the word mushy or cheesy? If you’re so fond of me prove it through your actions and let me come to the conclusion. You don’t have to tell me how important I or my opinions are to you a zillion times every time we’re together. I wouldn’t be surprised if you come up with a, ‘yeh dosti hum nahin todenge’ kind of a dialogue. Stop it. I’m sick of the emotional drama.
Desperate guys – No, they’re not my friends ;). I know living in India is like demand and supply gone horribly wrong, but there is only so much desperation that one can tolerate. Google self respect. If someone doesn’t reply to your text/chat/or any other kind of message stop harassing them. What’s your obsession with drunk late night calls? Also, what does it take for you to feel discouraged? Go spend some time with someone who cares or will at least pretend to care. I couldn’t be bothered whether you’re dead or alive. In fact if you’ve been hitting on my friend and now have suddenly shifted your attention to me I sincerely hope the former happens to you.
Maybe it’s me but I really needed to get all this off my chest. I think I would’ve been better off had I said this earlier, nevertheless I love all of you excluding the special mention category.
Recently, a friend asked me what I was doing on 31st/1st. I asked him why I should celebrate. Here is what he said, “because your bua fought so bravely with her illness, because their daughter is about to get married. If they’re so optimistic and excited the least you can do is be happy for them. Also your brother is happy and doing well for himself. Your parents 25th anniversary is about to come. Your grandparents are so active for their age. You kicked some ass in your exams last year and I’m sure you’ll find many more reasons”.
I liked how he put everything differently. Half empty or hall full is my choice and this time I choose the latter. I’ve decided that I will celebrate on 31st. I’ll welcome the new year with optimism. I hope 2012 is better for me. It will be.